19 weeks!

Crazy hard to believe...but I'm 19 weeks today! T and I got home last night from a long weekend in Portland and he even convinced me that buying 2 crib mattresses was a good idea! I have 2 crib mattresses in my garage! Now he is going to get started on the cribs. The style I like is called "Oeuf Classic" and looks like this...

Nice and simple and modern. It retails for $970 (gasp!) but with T making it will be like $100! I'm very lucky to have a handy husband! (Insert joke here, those of you with sick minds!!)

In not-so-fun news, I have been dealing with excruciating back pain over the last 2 weeks. Sitting is agony for me, I can only get comfortable laying flat or standing which is difficult since I spend quite a bit of my work day at my desk making phone calls. It doesn't seem like typical "pregnancy-related" back pain because it is more upper-back on my left side. Even as I write this, I am squirming in pain. UGH! I have no idea what I did to it. I've had 3 massages since it started and nothing seems to help. So weird. And, of course, I can't take any pain meds! That being said, of course I'd suffer through this pain for the rest of the pregnancy if it meant having 2 healthy babies at the end...it just makes everyday life kind of miserable.

The main reason we went down to Portland (besides the fact that it is an awesome city) was to look at a few travel trailers for our property in Washington. Since we bought this property last year we have just camped in our tent when we've gone down there but with two babies on the way, I figured we would barely use it at all this summer if it meant tenting with babies. It can get quite cold and wet at night since it is right on the ocean and for just the two of us, we can deal, but I would not feel comfortable with the babies there. That being said, we are YEARS away from being able to build a home on it (like 10 years, I'm thinking) so buying a trailer to park there just makes sense. We ended up finding one in Portland and T will go pick it up and tow it to our place in Westport, Washington in 2 weeks! So excited to decorate it (it has some pretty hideous upholstery and light fixtures that need to be swapped out!) and have an easy get-away once the babies are here! Going there this summer will be very different than last summer when we could both be out surfing or go for endless walks on the beach. Baby-carriers are a definite must for us since we LOVE walking on the beach! I'm guessing I won't be surfing this year but me and the babies can cheer Daddy (that made me tear up, writing that word) on from the shore.

Last year's set-up...

Beautiful beach out front...ready for sand castles!

                 
Since learning we had to do IVF, I've been participating in an infertility forum that has been a huge support to me. A girl I met on there who did IVF (her 2nd round, after a horrible experience with her 1st IVF including a long hospitalization for OHSS and an ectopic) a few weeks after me and got pregnant, just found out that her baby has a 1 in 6 chance of Down Syndrome. Ugh. She is booked for an amnio today. I'm not sure what they are going to do if the amnio comes back positive (she told me that they aren't going to make any decisions until they get the results) but it is going to be really really hard for me to understand if she chooses to terminate the pregnancy. You see, I have grown up surrounded by amazing people who HAPPEN to have Down Syndrome because my mom works with them in the school system. I have also worked with these kids extensively in my career both at the hospital and now in the community. Obviously parenting a child with special-needs is challenging (I've heard that parenting ANY child is challenging...) but to end a pregnancy based on this is hard for me to understand. Of course, she may choose not to terminate the pregnancy and then I'd love to hook her up with some of the families my mom works with (this woman and I live very close to each other and attended the same IF clinic). Those of you who pray, will you pray for her as she and her husband find out the official news in the next few days and decide what to do? Positive thoughts also welcome!

Well, another random post but I feel like something has clicked and I can write again. Hope you all are having a good start to your week!

OK, here it goes!

So...a commenter made me think about the purpose of this blog. It has always been a way to get my thoughts out and connect with other women. Why should that stop now that I am pregnant? Here is goes (there will be no bump shots, sorry).

So today I am 18 weeks 2 days. I can't say that I have loved pregnancy so far....well, I love BEING pregnant, but I'm still so scared that something is going to go wrong that I can't really relax and enjoy it. This week has been the first week that I really started attaching to these babies. Talking, singing to them, being OK with my husband's obsession with stroller research (don't ask) and constantly touching my belly. I think having the belly grow exponentially over the past couple of weeks as helped. There is NO QUESTION that I am pregnant! T has started working on the babies' room. He is so good at wood-working and things like that and so far he has put up wainscotting and will be starting to make their cribs soon too! I went as far as looking at baby bedding this week. Actually found a nice gender-neutral one that I really like. The colors of the bedding are different than I ever imagined I'd like...hey wait, I'll find a picture of the bedding I like...hold on...

See...totally different but I like it! The quilt has a little surfboard, flip-flops and tropical flower on it which is so us! I don't think we'll paint the room orange, maybe more of an aqua color. 

About genders...I have always said that I would not find out the gender of a baby I was having before giving birth. I kind of have a thing for surprises so finding out with a joyful shout of "It's a Boy (or Girl)" right after the hard work of delivery just sounds better to me than having an ultrasound tech tell me. I don't know...I just like the idea better. That being said, trust me, I've been tempted to find out (next ultrasound is in 2 weeks) so we'll see if this conviction about not finding out lasts the rest of the pregnancy! The other night while I was looking at bedding I became convinced that I had to find out, otherwise I would never find bedding I liked. Lo and behold, there is some nice gender-neutral stuff out there. I do LOVE finding out what others are having though so in no way do I think it's "wrong" to find out early...it's just my preference for me. 

On Sunday I went to see my friend M from this post. She is due on Feb 13th. Man oh man do I wish that I was at her point in pregnancy! She looks great. She and her husband are lawyers so I did get a bit of a stab of envy when I saw their nursery...top-of-the-line EVERYTHING! I can only imagine how much they have spent! My poor twins will feel like second-class citizens with their home-made cribs and hand-me-downs compared to their rich friend! Oh well...as my mom put it when I mentioned this to her "your twins will have top-of-the-line parents and a custom-made nursery"....thanks mom, that did make me feel better! And T will do a fantastic job on the cribs...it's just hard to think about all the money that we put into treatment that could have been spent on baby stuff! 

OK, now you are all feeling nauseous from this post...sorry! Hope I haven't gone too far! 

January ICLW!

Oh dear...I had high hopes of having a couple of recent posts written to make my blog a bit more interesting for people stopping by for ICLW. Guess this will have to do! WELCOME!

My husband T and I began trying for a baby in February 2010, thinking (like most couples) that it would only be a matter of time. Many many months, a surgery to repair a uterine septum and remove a polyp, 3 months of Clomid, 3 more months of Clomid with IUI's and finally an IVF have gotten us where we are today...expecting twins in June. It's been a crazy ride! We had horrible fertilization in our IVF (2 out of 12 mature eggs fertilized, even with ICSI, despite no sperm issues) and then had a terrible first trimester full of full-on bleeding episodes where each time I expected to be losing these babies. Luckily they have held on and tomorrow I will be 18 weeks! Hard to believe. Now to just make it through at least another 18 weeks or so without any more drama!

As you can see from my lack of recent posts, I am struggling a bit as a "pregnant after infertility" blogger. I am going to try my best to get back into the swing of things. Please comment so I can check out your story as well!

Happy New Year and a Facebook Fail...

Just got back from seeing Les Miserables...I thought is was very well done. Definitely go see it! Only cried once, which I thought was impressive considering the amount of sadness in that movie! Bring tissue if you go!

In other news, my aunt announced my pregnancy on Facebook today. Yes, you read that right, MY AUNT. She basically wrote this long status about how she was so happy for her niece and husband (writing our names) who are expecting twins at the end of June! She also went into detail about how I have been having some complications and how everyone in the family is so excited for when the babies arrive. UGH! I was likely NEVER going to put anything on Facebook because, having lived through years of pregnancy announcements and sonogram profile pictures, I never wanted to cause anyone else to feel the pain that I felt. Luckily my mom and my uncle saw the status this morning and freaked out...beginning a bit of a telephone family meeting among the uncles/aunts (we have a large family) about what should be done. Finally my uncle called the offending aunt and told her to take the status down. As one of my other aunts said "I don't want her announcing OUR kid's pregnancies on Facebook! She has to learn!" I panicked when I saw the status at first but then figured "what's done is done"...I wasn't ready to start a battle but I'm glad my mom and uncle took it upon themselves to fight for me! How entirely inappropriate. She is famous for not thinking before she speaks and Facebook makes it worse! I have no idea who saw the status (hopefully mostly just family members who already knew) but at least one person (friend of my aunt's who I've met once) sent me a private message congratulating me. Sheesh! At least she hadn't "tagged" me in the status, otherwise everyone I am friends with on Facebook would now know. I definitely am not ready for that! Stupid Facebook. OK, I'll stop ranting now.

I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2012. Crazy. My brother and sister-in-law are going to come over for the evening and we are just going to have a very low-key New Years. If it was up to T we would do nothing and just go to bed early (he doesn't see the point of New Years!) but I convinced him that having J and N over would be fun. Crazy to think back to one year ago. At that point we had seen the RE but the only plan was to get my septum surgery done. They figured that would solve our fertility problems since every other test on both of us had come back normal. I was so certain that after that surgery on January 25th, I would be pregnant in no time. Little did I know that at the end of 2012 I would have been through 3 IUIs and an IVF and end the year pregnant with twins. Wow, how things can change in a year.

Well, from our house to yours, I wish you all a very HAPPY and FERTILE 2013!

Merry Christmas!

Sorry for my long absences from blogging...I'm finding this "being infertile but pregnant" blogging while so many of you are still waiting kind of difficult. I don't want to go on and on about my pregnancy but at the same time, I know those of you who are still reading are reading with the knowledge that I am pregnant but still keep coming back! Kind of a delicate balance. I most definitely don't want to be seen as a "born-again fertile". I still gaze longingly at those happy pregnant women with not a care in the world. Why can't it be so easy for everyone? I just don't get it. Why do all of us have to spend thousands and thousands of dollars and put our bodies through hell to get something that others get for free. It will never make sense.

One thing I can say is that THE BLEEDING HAS STOPPED! Friday afternoon I all of a sudden realized that there had been zero blood all day...while every day before that since 7 weeks 5 days, I have had at least some brown spotting. I am hoping that the ultrasound on Friday will show that the SCH is long gone and I won't need to think about it any more. Now that it has only been 3 days without blood, I am still super nervous each time I wipe but so far so good.

Yesterday was a monumental day. I went shopping for maternity clothes. I walked into a local maternity store and kind of froze, feeling like a fraud and pretty overwhelmed. Damn you infertility for making me feel that way on a day that should be exciting! Luckily there was a very nice older sales-lady who came and rescued me. I managed to blurt out "I'm almost 14 weeks with twins"...and she smiled and said "and you're needing some new clothes!" She was great at explaining what I'll need and made the experience a lot less overwhelming than it could have been. I got 2 pairs of jeans and several t-shirts and sweaters. Should get me through for a little while until I can get down across the border for some cheaper shopping in the States. Still can't believe that I am actually the owner of maternity clothes.

I also got to tell my favorite aunt about the pregnancy yesterday which was fun. She makes homemade Christmas stockings for each new member of the family (so far only spouses, as I'm the first of my cousins to get pregnant on my dad's side) so I told her by telling her she better get started on 2 stockings for next year! She is so thrilled for us. On Christmas Day I get to tell my mom's side of the family including my grandma, who is turning 90 soon. She is the only grandparent that T and I have, the rest have passed away. I am so excited because for a long time, in the trenches of infertility, I didn't think she'd live to see us have kids. She is pretty fragile but totally with-it mentally. Can't wait to get pictures of her with our babies!

Well, I am wishing all of you a lovely Christmas/Hanukkah/Holiday season! May 2013 be the year that all of our dreams come true, whatever that may look like. Thank you all for being such an amazing support through treatment and my scary first trimester. I couldn't have done it without you. Truly.

Relief! (with update)

I am THRILLED to let everyone know that we saw 2 healthy babies on my scan this morning. I was almost in tears as I walked into the room I was so scared but the tech immediately showed me the two little ones and their heartbeats. The NT scan took an hour total which was awesome because although she didn't show me the screen the whole time, I was able to see the babies flip around, wave and kick their legs. Absolutely amazing. After she did all the measurements T got to come in and she carefully went through each baby explaining what she was seeing. We got some great profile pictures. Finally I can relax (Ha! Who am I kidding!). Two issues that remain are, of course, the SCH which is sitting beside Baby B as well as 2 huge cysts on my right ovary that have been causing me quite a bit of pain over the past week or so (I thought it was pain related to the bleed...or an impending miscarriage...but ends up it was my ovary...I can feel the mass when I press on my tummy!). I'm not sure if they will want to do another scan before the normal 18-20 week anatomy one to keep an eye on those issues or not. I feel like a bit of a fool for being so worried but about 2 weeks ago I passed a clot that I swear looked like it would be the size of one of the babies. I could not get that image of the clot out of my head, even though logically I knew that it likely wasn't...I think all the stress of the bleeding and pain kind of made me go a little crazy!

Now I can focus on Christmas! After our scan T and I headed across the border to do a bit of grocery and Christmas shopping. UGH! I hate malls at Christmas! I need to come up with a way to get all my shopping done much earlier but every year it just doesn't happen!

UPDATE: Just got a call from my midwife. I'm to get another scan in 2-3 weeks to monitor the bleed. Glad that they are taking it seriously. Please let the bleed shrink! Please please please!

Surviving...

Hey everyone. Sorry I've been majorly missing in action since last week. I've had a rough week full of bleeding and some cramps. Next ultrasound is next Wednesday although I know I could get in earlier for one if I really wanted to (I'm too scared to find out what is going on...crazy, I know). I'll let you know how it all goes after the appointment next week. Hope you all are doing well. Crazy that next week (all going well) I will be 12 weeks. So hard to believe.