Worst Nightmare

So yesterday was the worst day of my life. First, I tested in the morning as instructed by Dr. N to see if I needed to keep taking the progesterone....negative, of course. Cried a bit, felt sorry for myself and then got ready to go to my close friend's place for dinner. She and her husband are lawyers, super busy, just bought a house and got a puppy. We always have lots of fun together and drink lots of wine (you can see where this is going, can't you?)....so I figured that we'd have a great evening, get a little tipsy and I'd feel better by the end of the night. So, just as we are getting started making dinner, T pulls out the bottle of wine that we brought and goes to pour my friend a glass. She goes bright red and say, "uh, no thanks, none for me"....she is not a girl who turns down a glass of wine. At that point a sharp knife of fear goes through me as T laughs and says, "What, you're not drinking?" She smiles and says, "Surprise, I'm 3 months pregnant!". I almost died, right there on the spot. I smiled, said congratulations and then pretended to need to use the bathroom where I sat and cried for a good 5 minutes. We still then needed to stay and visit and eat dinner although every fiber of me wanted to run screaming from their house. I had always told T that as long as this particular friend and my sister-in-law did not get pregnant before me, I could deal with other people getting pregnant and be strong and not fall apart. Well, now my worst nightmare has come true...on the same day I find out that my last IUI failed, I get to hear about her pregnancy. This sucks. Didn't sleep at all last night, just laid there and cried. Fun. Poor T, he's sad too but doesn't really know what to do with me. I wish I had someone in my life who was going through this too...its just not fair to be the only one...what if IVF doesn't work either??

3rd IUI TWW...

Well, its been a month since I last posted and I'm now in the 2ww from my 3rd IUI. This time I called Dr. N and begged to be put on Progesterone because my last cycle was 24 freaking days with a 10 day luteal phase...ugh...I've already booked our WTF appointment for when this cycle doesn't work, because I just know it won't, because why would something good like that happen? I'm supposed to POAS on Saturday morning and if it's negative then stop the progesterone and if its positive keep taking it. Oh, how I love shoving little white capsules up there...

I'm guessing that on August 8th when we go to see Dr. N again he's going to suggest we move on to IVF. I'm scared. In my naive "of course I'm going to be able to have babies" past I told people that I would NEVER do IVF....wow, things change when you are actually faced with the prospect of never having a biological child...

On another note, I'm so afraid to "come out" about infertility at work because we work with babies all day every day and I don't want to keep getting looks of pity from my coworkers when I have to go visit another newborn. It is hard enough to do my job while dealing with IF! There are also 2 pregnant girls and 2 who are "trying" who, despite one of them having the most screwed up life ever will obviously get pregnant before me...right, because that's how the universe works....