Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Worrying never stops...

Sorry I've been missing in action since Saturday. That thing with my mother-in-law really threw us for a loop (she had her surgery and is now home, doing well) and having my best friend here left little time for blogging! I was also nominated by 2 lovely ladies for a Liebster Award and I will try my best to get my act together to answer the questions at some point this week! Just caught me at a bad time but I'm very thankful for the nominations!

My ultrasound is now one week away. To be honest with you I am absolutely TERRIFIED. I have basically convinced myself that they aren't going to find a heartbeat. I don't know how I'm going to survive until next Wednesday to find out. I think that I maybe have read too many blogs and forum posts where people have gotten bad news at their first ultrasound and so somehow believe the same thing is going to happen to me. I know, realistically, that there is nothing that I can do about it but I still worry worry worry. It is kind of paralyzing. It doesn't help that I seriously LOOK pregnant. The OHSS has never really gone away so I'm still quite bloated...I am about the same size as my friend who is 14 weeks pregnant with her 3rd baby. I even had to invest in a (cheap) pair of maternity pants on the weekend so that I had comfortable pants to wear to work. Otherwise I was so uncomfortable all day with the waist-band sticking into me! People have noticed my belly and are making comments which is really not helpful. UGH! Why can't this be easy? Five of my friends are expecting within 3 months of me which is so amazing but if something does happen to this pregnancy, I don't know how I will cope. Why am I thinking these things? I need to stop! Tell me to stop!

Sorry for the downer post. I'm about to spend the next 3 hours opening the door to hundreds of adorable cheerful children and their families to hand out candy....time to put my happy face on! Happy Halloween! And even better, tomorrow is my 30th Birthday!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

A few appointments...

I got my first ultrasound appointment! My clinic doesn't do them until 7 weeks so it's booked on Wednesday, Nov 7th! So excited! I also booked my first midwife appointment for Nov 12th! I'm still in total disbelief that this is actually happening.

My friend who is here for the weekend is currently in the kitchen making Indian food (yum)...she needs to come more often. :)

One scary thing that happened today is that my mother-in-law called us this morning asking why she might be having balance problems and having a hard time lifting her right foot when walking. T immediately told her to go to the hospital and sure enough, she has a bleed in her brain! She has been admitted and will be having surgery in the next few days to drain the blood. I think she's going to be fine (they caught it early enough) but obviously this has really scared us. I'd appreciate any prayers/good thoughts/vibes sent her way!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

2nd Beta

Second Beta done...3577. I think that's good but I have tried not to do much crazy googling so I don't stress myself out. I haven't heard from my clinic yet today (I can look lab results up online) so I assume I'll get a call tomorrow. Today is 23 days post retrieval so it seems to be within normal limits for this timing. Guess we'll just wait and see! Today I have been EXHAUSTED! I could barely keep my eyes open at work and now that I'm home and supposed to be preparing dinner, all I want to do is curl up on the couch and sleep! My friend gets in at 8:30 tonight so I have to stay awake!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

An ode to my best friend

This week is dragggggggging  on! I just want it to be Thursday already. Two exciting things are happening on Thursday. First, at 7:20am is my appointment for my second Beta and then later that evening my best friend in the whole wide world is coming to visit until Tuesday! She lives in Edmonton (which is in Alberta, the province next to BC for those unfamiliar with Canadian geography) and I only get to see her once a year or so. SOOOOOO excited. When we planned her visit we both realized that when she arrived I would either be super happy or super depressed. She was prepared to deal with either! She is an awesome friend. When we got the horrible fertilization report I called her and we cried together then she tried to keep me positive, which worked, I think, and now look where we are! I am so thankful for her and I wish she still lived down the road like she used to. She has two adorable kids (her first pregnancy was a loss at 14 weeks, so she "gets" some of this) and is also a foster mother to an adorable 1 month old! Her husband will have his hands full this weekend! I haven't seen her in person since this time last year when we went on a girl's weekend to Tucson (her in-laws have a house there). We had planned to do something similar this year but because of my IVF we just couldn't afford a trip like that again, and being the awesome friend she is, she just agreed to come visit us so we didn't have to spend any money! So far we have manicures/pedicures planned, a fancy dinner out and then who knows what else. I might try to find a good deal on a hotel in downtown Vancouver for a night, that would be fun!

Anyways, enough of my blabbering on...I'm just excited.

Oh, remember that couple I spoke about here? They got their BFP yesterday! Yay! 2 for 2 for our clinic!

I really need to be getting ready for work. I better go. Hope you are all having a great week and hello to the ICLW visitors!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

October ICLW!

Hello ICLW-ers! Welcome to my blog. My husband and I live in British Columbia (near Vancouver), are both nurses (I work with babies in the community and he is in the operating room) and have been trying to create a mini version of ourselves since February 2010. After many months of trying naturally, 3 months of plain Clomid, a surgery to fix a septated uterus and remove a polyp, 3 IUIs with Clomid and 1 seemingly doomed round of IVF we are finally expecting! It is still VERY early (just had my first Beta on Friday) but we are hopeful that this will be it for us. Join me this week as I get a second Beta and find out when my first ultrasound is going to be. Despite our dismal odds with only 2 embryos created out of 12 mature eggs, it seems like my Beta could be strong enough for twins! We'll just have to wait and see! Looking forward to getting to know you all better.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Results are in...

572! Ohmyfreakincrazygoodness! I'm really and truly pregnant!


Blood is I'm waiting...

I'm home on bedrest for OHSS today. Yesterday I barely made it through work my stomach was hurting so much and I felt so yucky. I guess this is a "good" sign but damn it's uncomfortable.

My mom is obsessively calling to check on me and to find out my results. I'm sad that she is going to find out about my pregnancy (if the results are good today) over the phone. I haven't told her about the positive pee stick because I know she will freak out in excitement and call our entire extended family so I needed to wait for the bloodwork. I always imagined that we'd come up with a creative way to tell my parents, brother and sister-in-law when we got pregnant. Infertility ruins these things!

I'll keep you posted once I get the number.

Is it weird that my positive test is sitting on my kitchen table where I stare at it multiple times a day? I can't believe my pee actually made that line!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I broke down and did it....

HOLY CRAP! Yesterday I had a bit of spotting when I wiped (similar to what I get about 24 hours before my period starts) I knew that every time I went pee I would be so I tested! Beta is Friday. I know not to get too excited yet as I've read so many people's chemical pregnancy stories but for right now I AM PREGNANT! YIPPEE!

Monday, October 15, 2012


So I think I have OHSS...not super bad but still very uncomfortable. I've been bloated since embryo transfer so I've been keeping an eye on it but now it's getting worse. I started noticing on Thursday that laying on my stomach was getting uncomfortable (normally I sleep on my stomach) and it has gotten worse over the weekend. Today my pants are super tight and I have gained weight (only 4 pounds over the past few days and I haven't been eating super who knows). UGH! I think this could be a good sign that there is a embaby snuggling in but I'm still too scared to take a test! I'm such a chicken. I'm scared about all the emotions that will come with a negative.  I guess I better call the clinic tomorrow and let them know about my belly. I'm not getting any of the other OHSS symptoms like low urine output or vomiting so maybe this is all in my head. For now I'm eating lots of salty foods and I'm going to increase my protein intake. This is the LAST thing I need! Ben and Jerry, this is your mother better be settling in or I'm going to be pissed that I'm going through this all for nothing!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

To pee or not to pee...

So today I'm 9dp2dt or 11dpo...technically a time where you would get a pretty accurate pregnancy test result. I'm going back and forth about whether I want to test in the next few days. My beta is not scheduled until Friday (darn clinic doesn't do them until 17 days post retrieval!). Since Wednesday I've had some pretty decent cramping...and since I tend to have shorter cycles (24-27 days) that could mean that AF is going to show up in the next few days. ARGH! Part of me is enjoying this "ignorance is bliss" feeling about the whole thing but part of me just wants to know to get it over with. Most of the day I'm thinking "there is no way this worked" but every once in awhile I think "maybe it did..." I don't know what to do! I just want to be pregnant!

T and I had a discussion the other night about what we'll do if this cycle doesn't work. Our clinic is pretty strict about waiting 2-3 cycles before starting another IVF to give your body time to get back to normal. They also close for 2 weeks over Christmas to do lab upgrades and any clinic maintenance. Keeping that in mind, it would not be until January that we could start another cycle. T and I decided that we would plan on IVF #2 in the new year but in the meantime contact a local adoption agency to just do some fact-finding about adopting locally or from the States. We don't want to spend any money on an adoption yet but if we do a bit of the research then we'll at least have an idea of what to expect. I am happy with this plan...although I sure hope we don't need to implement it!

Yesterday at work I had a major "OMG why can she get pregnant and I can't?" moment. Another nurse came into my office after she had been talking on the phone to a pregnant woman (yes, aren't I lucky, this is part of my everyday job). This woman is 20 years old and pregnant with her 4th (*%^&!) child! She told my friend that she "wanted to get rid of this one" but found out too late to get an abortion. She isn't getting any prenatal care and just really doesn't want this baby because it is going to "mess up her life", honey, I think you already did that...I told my friend that next time she talks to her to give her the number of a local adoption agency and explain open adoption to her. I doubt she even knows what open adoption is and maybe this way this child can have a better life instead of being the kid that her mom didn't want. So sad. I joked with my friend that she should tell her about me and that I would gladly take her baby off her hands...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Oops... think I took a few too many stool softeners...

In non-bowel-related news. Back to work today. Luckily not dealing with babies today (got bitten by an 11 year old I was trying to immunize but hey, such is my life) so was able to keep my mind off things a little better.

Last night we were at a friend's place with a small group of people from our church and I mentioned how we are dealing with infertility. A man who I had never met before all of a sudden speaks up that his wife didn't come that night because she is still recovering from her egg retrieval!  I'm super excited to get to know someone IRL who is dealing with this crap! I sent them both an email today but haven't heard back. I hope my eagerness to share my life story with someone and have an IF friend didn't frighten them away! Oh well.

Homemade pizza for dinner! YUM! Better go.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


So....I'm kinda freaking out because I know that if Ben and Jerry decide to stick around, they will be officially implanting sometime around now. I'm terrified that I am going to do something to make that not happen! I know, realistically, there is not a lot you can do to promote or inhibit implantation but I still worry! My main issue the past few days has been (TMI alert) severe constipation! I have taken every remedy that I can think of and it really isn't happening (whimper). Now I'm worried (because, you see, worrying is what I do best) that because I am in pain, Ben and Jerry won't want to stick. ARGH! Someone please tell me I am crazy!

I just got the sweetest phone call from my mother-in-law. They had been away camping since Thursday so she hadn't seen the email I sent her with Ben and Jerry's picture until this morning. She was in tears, saying how happy she is for us and how she is certain that this is going to work for us (if only I was so certain). She is going to print off the picture and put it on her fridge. She thanked me for keeping her up-dated with all this because she knows it is hard to talk about. I sure hope this works!

So today is my last day home from work. I took a full week off after the retrieval at the advice of my RE to ensure that I had a few days off after what was most likely to be a 5 day transfer (HA!). Even though the transfer ended up being early, I decided to stay off work anyways. I am going to be as lazy as possible today!

OK, can we discuss Progesterone "suppositories"? I am on Prometrium, 2 capsules up the hoo-ha, twice a day. These have got to be the most disgusting things I have ever dealt with. Some days it seems fine and then other days I leak all day. GROSS! I am VERY thankful that my clinic believes the research that shows that suppositories are as effective as PIO because we all know how well I do with needles but YUCK! Seriously, the stuff us IF-ers have to deal with!

Wow, this was a really random post! Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

I know most of you are like "WHAT? It is not Thanksgiving!" Here in Canada it is! Don't ask me why Canada and the US have different Thanksgivings...doesn't make much sense to me (although it does spread out the cross-border traffic jams a bit). My extended family is having a big dinner at my grandma's house tonight but my mom gave me the OK for us to skip it and just relax at home. Mom and Dad are going to stop by on their way home and bring us left-over turkey (and everything that goes with it). I think she realized that after a super emotional few days I was just not in the mood for socializing with the kajillion aunts/uncles/cousins that would be there. I think my mom has given them the run-down of what is going on with us so I also don't really want to have to answer a bunch of questions (and likely start crying, which I tend to do a lot of lately). This way we get the yummy dinner  anyways!

T and I are both feeling better about the whole thing today. Obviously this did not turn out the way we had planned and expected but there is nothing we can do about it at this point...and who knows, maybe it will end up OK in the end. We had a lovely sunny day (actually an unseasonably warm few months for this part of the world) and just enjoyed each other's company and tried not to talk about "it". There is a garden centre nearby that is HUGE and you can go and drive golf-carts around it so we did that for awhile and imagined what we would do if we had a huge back-yard. Just a nice day all-around. I am also going to try my hand at making "sparkly pumpkins" in the next few days so I went and bought some glue and sparkles at the Dollar Store (I'll post pictures if they turn out!)

I hope that everyone is having a lovely weekend. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to try my best to be thankful for all that I have been blessed husband, family, friends, cat, job and house...and just hope like crazy that we will be having a baby join us soon!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Ben and Jerry...

Thank you all soooooooo much for your lovely, supportive comments yesterday. I was so shocked to get that fert report, it was a total blindside. Since we've started IF treatments we have constantly been told what a "good prognosis" we have...we are young, healthy, every test has come back was completely unexpected that we would have such terrible fertilization, despite using ICSI. I guess this gives us some answers as to why we haven't gotten pregnant after over 2 and a half years including lots of Clomid and 3 IUIs...clearly T's sperm and my eggs DO NOT get along! People have asked me why we are doing ICSI when T's sperm analysis results have always been excellent. I guess our RE had a suspicion that something was going wrong at the fertilization stage since despite my regular cycles, excellent hormone levels, ovulation every month and T's great results, we had never been pregnant. I guess he was right! So strange. I'm not sure what can be done from here...if there are other tests we can do to figure out what exactly is going wrong.

On the plus side...both embies are safe and sound back where they belong. Last night I barely slept at all because I was convinced that we would get a call this morning telling us that they both hadn't made it. When we left this morning for the hour drive back into Vancouver I looked at T and said "one better still be growing or I'll be pissed that they made us make this drive in just for bad news!" Sure enough both were still a better quality than the other but hey, I'm just glad they were both still alive! Our main RE was luckily the doc doing transfers today so we got to chat with him a bit about what might have happened. I also talked to him on the phone yesterday because I sent him a WTF email after getting the fert report and he called me as soon as he got the email. He is such a good doctor. We feel really lucky to have him. He really is still hopeful for us and at this point, that's what we have to be too. T is extremely discouraged and angry right now (I think the whole time we have assumed it was me with the issues- due to my septum and polyp and his results always being top-notch- but now it's looking like it very well could be him and he's upset). I hope he snaps out of it because I need all the positive energy around me right now that I can get!

So...we've nicknamed these embies "Ben and Jerry" since we are both ice-cream-aholics. Let's hope they decide to stick around!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


Just got a call from the clinic. Of 19 eggs, 12 were mature and injected with ICSI.

Only 2 fertilized.

Completely in shock.

We are now going for a Day 2 transfer tomorrow.

I'm heartbroken.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Lucky number 19...

As you can guess from the title of this post, they got 19 eggs this morning! They haven't told me how many of them are mature vs immature so I'm sure the actual usable total is less.

This morning we got there at 8am, T went off to the lab to "do his business" while I got set up with some Tylenol, anti-nausea medication and Ativan. The nurse there today was so nice. She is one of my favorites. She even got my IV in on the first try! Most people can't! They gave me a lot of written instructions to look over as I waited for T to get back.

Soon it was time to head into the procedure room. Once I got settled they put my legs up in the "holders" (they aren't really stirrups) and then gave me a dose of Fentanyl, a strong pain reliever. First the RE injected some local freezing into the sides of my vagina (which I didn't feel at all) and then waited a few minutes to let that kick in. Dr. T, the RE, has done some work at the hospital where T works as an OR nurse so they chatted about various staff members that they both know. Then it was time to begin. I could see the ultrasound screen beside me so was able to see the needle going into each follicle and draining it. Pretty neat. One nurse was sitting at the foot of the bed with the doctor and collecting the fluid in test-tubes and handing them over to an embryologist when they were full. It wasn't long until he said "I have the first 2 eggs" and then I relaxed a bit as for some reason I had this fear that they wouldn't find any eggs in all those follicles (crazy, I know!). The other nurse kept my pain meds topped up and stood at my head and stroked my hair. Normally I would hate that but it really felt comforting. T, being the technical guy that he is, was much  more interested in what the RE was doing and asking questions than paying attention to me! That's OK. I'm glad he asked the questions because they were the same ones I would have asked. Soon it was over so they got me into a wheelchair and pushed me back to the recovery area. T and I both got juice and cookies and I took a little nap while we waited for my meds to wear off and for them to get a last count of the eggs.

Crazy coincidence while I was of the nurses in the recovery area came over to me and asked where she knew me from. I was like "um, I'm not sure, maybe I've just seen you here?". Then we got chatting about what T and I did for a living and I told her I was a public health nurse. She got this big grin on her face and exclaimed "You immunized my kids 2 weeks ago!" She knew the name of the clinic I work at and told me that I had done an excellent job with her 2 kids. Strange! T and I live and work about an hour away from this fertility clinic so I was definitely surprised to meet someone I had dealt with at work!

After I was feeling less woozy from the meds I was allowed to get up, go pee and get changed but she made T come in with me in case I felt dizzy. Then we headed home! I can't believe it's over!

I am on strict instructions to "take-it-easy" because my ovaries are HUGE and they are worried about OHSS. I now have a monitoring sheet where I have to weigh myself daily and measure my stomach. Fun!

Tomorrow we'll get a call to find out how many of the 19 fertilized with ICSI! One more thing to be terrified about (what if none fertilize!). I'll let you know how it goes!

I just woke up from a 3 hour nap on the couch with my cat...supposedly T and I had a few conversations while I was asleep but I remember NOTHING! Yay for strong pain meds!