And then we almost died...

So we are in Portland right now. Such a beautiful city. Very easy to get around with free streetcars and trains. Had the BEST fish and chips ever today for lunch. Seriously, the BEST! We had a bit of excitement on the drive down the other night when our left front tire of our car blew (like fully blew apart) while we were driving on the I-5. Luckily we both heard a weird whining sound and T slowed down before it fully blew, otherwise we might both be dead if we were still going 75 mph...Luckily there wasn't much traffic so T was able to get across 3 lanes and pull to the side. The next adventure was putting on the spare tire as huge trucks flew by so quickly...T made me stand far away so at least one of us would survive if another car swerved towards us! We can't catch a break! Ironically, one of our planned purchases for our time in Oregon was new tires for the car! No sales tax makes big purchases a lot nicer. So glad T was driving when that happened, he stayed so calm.

In fertility news, I had my hysteroscopy on Wednesday. Unfortunately they found I still have a bit of a septum left. The doc who did it doesn't think I will need more surgery and that the small septum shouldn't be affected my fertility but still, it makes me worried. I guess I'll hear when I go back to the clinic on Tuesday whether we can go ahead with the IVF cycle or not. Definitely not the news I was looking for but hey, why would I be thinking I would get good news? Sheesh...

Besides the near-death experience we are having a lovely vacation. We spent a nice few days with T's parents fishing. I caught a 18 pound salmon and T caught a 22 pound one! Unfortunately our bad luck rubbed off on T's mom and she fell and broke her wrist while we were there. Hard to fish with one arm!

Tomorrow we are off to the coast for 3 days of camping and surfing. Hope everyone is having a great week!

Vacation Time!

Yeah! Our summer vacation time is finally here (although a little different than we had originally planned...). I am such a bundle of stress and nerves right now...work has been busy, lots of pregnancy announcements, planning for the IVF, stressing about how much this all is going to cost...so now I am going to RELAX! For this weekend we are headed to Vancouver Island (so beautiful, highly recommend a trip to BC for those who have never been) to fish for BIG (15-30 lb) salmon with T's parents then coming home for the hysteroscopy. Wednesday afternoon after the test we will drive straight down to Portland, spend a few nights there and then head to the coast, driving/surfing/camping the way home. My goal for the week is to try to think as little about IVF and babies as I can (not sure how successful I will be) and just be present in the moment. I am such a "planner"so I am always thinking 3 steps ahead. I think I miss things that are happening around me by always looking for something that is to come. Ask me when I get back how successful I was at turning my mind off! I hope everyone has a lovely weekend and tries to live in the moment a bit as well. I'll try to post after my hysteroscopy on Wednesday if T will let me at the computer (he thinks I spend too much time on this thing!)

My body sucks, seriously, it does

So I just need to vent. Before doing IVF, my RE wants me to come for a hysteroscopy. Said hysteroscopy needs to be done between days 8-12 of my cycle. So, when I booked it, since I am pretty regular, I booked it for Tuesday September 4th...which would be right at the end of some vacation time we had booked. Wouldn't really mess up our vacation at all. Perfect timing! So this morning I wipe and BLOOD EVERYWHERE! My period has started 5 days early, giving me a 22 day cycle (WHAT?!) and completely screwing up our vacation plans. Now the only time I could get in for the hysteroscopy is next Wednesday, right in the middle of our vacation. We were supposed to be doing a road trip down to Oregon...now, who knows what we will do. GRRRRR! I have NEVER had a 22 day cycle in my close to 3 years of tracking cycles. Why now? Why in a cycle that I NEED to be regular? I'm so pissed off at my body. I told I co-worker that I wanted to "stab myself in the uterus!" (she said that might be counter-productive). We have had this vacation planned for months and now it's all messed up. OK, end rant. It will all be worth it in the end...it will all be worth it in the end...repeat...

Some people are just so nice...

So a few weeks back, as I've written about a few times, a long-time friend of mine surprised me with a pregnancy announcement that kind of rocked my world.  Well, today, she told 2 of our other close friends and one of them immediately called and left me a really sweet voicemail wondering how I was doing and saying that she was thinking about me, guessing that M's news had been very hard to take. So nice of her to call. I haven't told a ton of friends about our journey but many of those that I have told have turned out to be so supportive, even if they have never been through anything like this. M also wrote me a nice email the other day apologizing for how she told me her news and saying that she is hoping so much that I will be close behind her with a pregnancy. She said that she had no idea that I would be so surprised by the news and that in retrospect she wishes she had told me by email or phone instead of face-to-face. She wrote that she is so sad for T and I and wishing she could do something to change what it happening to us. I really appreciated her email.  So, I think that I have officially survived my "worst nightmare" as I described it in one of my posts.

I've been thinking about making a list of fun things I should do before we start our IVF in September/October...things that I won't be able to do if (WHEN!) I am pregnant. Any suggestions? I don't want to look back at the time around my 30th birthday as being "the birthday with the failed IVF cycle" so if I do some fun things leading up to it, maybe I'll have better memories of these next few months if it doesn't work. The only thing I can think of right now is horseback riding...I love horseback riding and haven't done it in awhile. Definitely wouldn't want to do it while pregnant! Hmmmm...what else?

I had to work today but tomorrow T and I are going camping and surfing again until Tuesday! So excited! We've had such nice weather for the West Coast these past few weeks so it will be great to be back at the beach. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

So I told my supervisor today...I wasn't going to but somehow I ended up in her office telling her. She is very excited for us and says she will "play dumb" with our manager when I end up taking a week or so off. I gave her the anticipated dates so she'll put me on the schedule on programs that are easy to get covered. I felt pretty relieved afterwards. In her words "people call in sick for a headache...I think going through IVF warrants using some sick time!" She said that if I was someone who called in sick a lot then she'd have to look into whether I could use sick time but because I never do, she'll turn a blind eye and not even bother looking into it. Oh, she is so nice! She told me that it took her and her husband awhile to get pregnant with their second so she knows the feeling of "wanting to die when you get your period every month". Yep, that's pretty much it! I hope I did the right thing by telling her but I just feel better about not lying to her.

I am so glad I started this blog...I have lurked blogs for years (I know, I know, so annoying) but never commented. Now it is so great to get comments and comment on other people's stories. Makes me feel so much better about all this. Nice to know I'm not alone! I should have done it sooner!

Oops, I didn't realize that it's almost 6 and I haven't started thinking about dinner. Better go!

Random thoughts for the day...

I'm trying to decide who we will tell about the IVF. At this point my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law, my best friend and a few close work friends know. We haven't even told T's parents yet although they knew we were doing the IUI's. I struggle with it because on one hand, I like people to know and understand what we are going through but I also don't want everyone constantly asking me how we are doing and when things are starting. I'm also concerned that IVF is not a "legitimate illness" that I can take sick time off for. I don't have enough vacation time to use and really, it is medical procedures so why shouldn't I be able to take "sick time" for them? Dr. N told me to take a week off after the retrieval to recover and be available for a 5 day transfer plus a few days to relax after that. Makes sense to me! I'm not sure I will tell my supervisor and then just get a note from my family doctor saying that I need the time off. Although I'm sure she would be totally supportive, it's the manager above her that could make my life difficult if she finds out. Kind of a dilemma as up until now I've been open with my supervisor about all of this. I just don't want to get screwed over and end up on un-paid leave when I have tons of paid sick hours I could use. I guess I have a bit of time to figure it out!

We went to visit my grandma yesterday (she is the only surviving grandparent between T and I!) and it was so great. She lives about an hour from us so I don't see her too much although I really should make a point of going out there more. She is such a sweet and generous woman. It makes me sad to think that there is a strong possibility that she will not be alive by the time we have a baby as her health is failing. I am sad that our child(ren) will likely never know her. Some of my best memories are from at her farm when I was young, playing in the barn, walking in the forest behind her property and eating her delicious baking. We haven't told her of our struggles as she gets really emotional these days but I'm guessing she suspects that we are having trouble conceiving. Man oh man I hope this IVF works! I'd just love to have one picture of her holding our baby!

On a more positive note, I had my TSH and Prolactin levels drawn again as they were "borderline" last time and this time they are completely normal. Yeah! One less thing to worry about.

And we're off!

So we are officially headed towards IVF! Had our appointment with our RE this morning and he agreed that IVF is the logical next step if we were OK with it. Yep, sign me up! Because of my surgery in January and the small but present risk of scar tissue having formed he wants me to have another in-office hysteroscopy "just-in-case" before we officially start anything. I'm fine with it, even though it delays the IVF by a month...I guess its better to know things are normal in there before flushing thousands of dollars down the toilet. So, September 4 will be the hysteroscopy and IVF orientation and we'll go from there. I think the anticipated egg retrieval will be around the beginning of October. Seems so far away but I'm sure it will go by fast. I'm super excited, T is not. He is mostly worried about how much it is going to cost and that there is no guarantee it will work. In his words: "we don't gamble, and this is gambling a lot of money". He'll come around but man, I hope it works! Another awesome thing...if the timing works out, I could be finding out I'm pregnant on or around my 30th birthday (Nov 1)! Wouldn't that be awesome (on the other hand, could be freakin terrible too, if it doesn't work, but let's think positive!)

On another note, has anyone seen the show Downton Abbey? A lady from work lent me the first season and I'm now addicted. T is working until 11:30 tonight so I'm going to relax and watch a few episodes. So good!

Long weekends are the best...

T and I just got back from a lovely long weekend (its a holiday in BC...actually "BC Day" today) camping on our property in Washington State. Honestly, I think I only made it through last week knowing that we had the weekend to relax, surf and not think about babies (although really, who am I kidding, that's all I think about!). Saturday was the nicest day we've ever had down there. I spent most of the day in my bikini sun-tanning and reading while T surfed. He took me out for a bit and I caught 4 good waves which is HUGE for me...I'm not the most coordinated person in the world! Unfortunately Sunday and today, the weather was cool and misty but still nice to be away and relaxing together.

Wednesday is our big appointment with Dr. N. I'm kinda worried he is going to want us to do more IUI's, since we are "unexplained" at this point but I don't know, I'm ready for some higher success rates and even though it means so much more $$$, I'm done with waiting. It's been 2.5 years of waiting, thank you very much! Oh well, we'll see what he says. I'd be OK with maybe one IUI with injectables but the risk of multiples scares me so much that I don't know if I could go through with it.

I have yet to talk to my friend, M, who announced her pregnancy to me last weekend. I'm guessing that I need to be the one to make the first contact considering she is probably terrified to reach out to me after my "not so successfully hidden" reaction to her news. Also, with my job, I know a cruelly huge amount of stuff about pregnancy/birth/babies for an infertile, and I want to make sure she is getting the care she needs. Maybe I'll send her an email this week. We live almost an hour apart so its not like I see her that often but I don't want to destroy a 17 year friendship over this. Sigh....maybe I'll get pregnant this month and we'll have babies together....yeah right...

Feeling Better

I'm definitely feeling a lot better about everything over the past few days. Sure, I'm still pissed about the whole "friend getting pregnant by just looking at her husband" thing but hey, there is nothing I can do about it. I vented to a couple of friends who all agreed that she should have told me in ANY other way than blindsiding me when I was trapped at her house!

On another note, I have the most crazy heavy periods since my septum/polyp surgery. It is unbelievable. The clinic seems to think that it is because we "expanded the surface area of my uterus" by removing the septum but I don't know. It just seems a little excessive. I was convinced for awhile that my TSH must be high because I have heard that can cause heavy periods but I got it tested and its 2.6, which is still "normal". I'm hoping that the surgery didn't screw with my lining somehow or that I haven't developed some hormonal imbalance that makes me bleed like a chainsaw massacre every month. I'm curious to see if Dr. N has any ideas when we see him next week.

I am now SO ready to jump on the IVF bandwagon. I'm so sick of waiting and hoping that we get timing right with TI and IUI. I am kind of a control freak so all the monitoring that goes along with IVF will make me feel much more comfortable. I'm not sure when I will be able to start a cycle (hopefully there is no crazy wait list or anything like I've heard at some other clinics) but I want to do it soon!

Well, I'm going to go back to watching the Olympics and drinking my glass of wine! Go Canada Go!